Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
There are leaves in my underwear?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
