Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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