she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
