Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
