they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
