I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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