well I can't set my house on fire every night
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize