At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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