we have officially lost it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
