So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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