I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
