I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
