My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
