Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
