im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
