my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize