So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
