I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
