I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
