I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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