Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
