I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
