she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
