Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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