So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
