Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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