Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
