dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
