I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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