I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
