but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
