I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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