The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
