Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
