Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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