The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
