sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
