I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
