Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
