I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize