remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
