I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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