I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
