Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
