he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
