If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
