So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
