whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
