This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
