We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
