Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
