he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize