i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
