just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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