Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I need a beard to bite.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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