4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
