It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
