This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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