just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
