I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
